>>Baloo: What are we stuck reading now >>Kit: Don't know but Ricia said it's not TaleSpin >>Rebecca: Great. We don't have to watch ourselves die or go crazy. Demons all of them.... >>Kit: Sounds like the beginning of a really bad comic book. Sept. 1 - FREEHOLD IOWA- Landover Baptist Pastor, Ebeneezer >>Baloo: Scrooge Smith used a blowtorch and a sword Sunday morning to demonstrate >>Rebecca: His own immortality...it didn't work. that Pokemon games and toys are only sugar-coated instruments of the occult and evil. >>Rebecca: Along with Smurfs, Star Wars and everything that isn't "Christian" based. Earlier this week at Landover's Wednesday evening service, children's pastor Marty Richards told 714 kids ages 2 through 10 that Pokemon is evil and was sent to this planet under direct orders from Satan himself. >>Baloo:(Satan) Okay Pikachu. I want you to act really cute and take over the world with plush toys and keychains! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! To drive home his point, Richards burned Pokemon trading cards and video games with a blowtorch and skewered 14 plastic Pokemon action figures with a 40 inch broad sword. Richards then held the sword with all 14 pierced Pokemon figures over a charcoal grill. >>Kit: Yum, I'll take a Charmander leg and a Pidgeotto wing! Richards' 5-year-old son tore the limbs and head off a Pokemon doll and spit on the dismembered carcass. >>Kit: Oookay. That's healthy. During the demonstration, the children chanted: "Burn it. Burn it,'' and "Chop it up. Chop it up.'' "Kill them All!" >>Baloo: I'm confused. Who's promoting violence and evil? Manufacturers of the hugely popular Pokemon products, including Nintendo and Hasbro Inc., lied openly about Pokemon's association with the occult. >>Rebecca:(Nintendo CEO): What? Occult? What the hell are you talking about? Are you smoking something? The national Christian Coalition told The Press on Friday that it fully agrees with Landover Baptist's stand against the ungodly toy industry. >>Baloo:(news reporter): Jeffery Giraffe was found skewered today in a local park. Police are baffled. "Toy manufacturers are being guided by Satan's minions." One source stated, "Demons are instructing the Nintendo and Hasbro companies on how to corrupt a child's innocence and create a future army of junior Satanists that will one day rule the world!" >>Kit: How is wandering around in the woods capturing 151 different creatures doing the Devil's work? >>Rebecca: I think they're going to say why. >>Baloo: Oh the suspense is killing me. "We agree with Pastor Ebeneezer, and The Landover Baptist Corporation,'' said William Barnes, a spokesman for the national Christian Coalition based in Virginia. "It's a policy issue, a church issue, and a national security issue. >>Rebecca: I knew it! The Pokemon are Russian spies! We know all about it. We currently fund over 15 campaigns against the Pokemon menace.'' Pokemon, (pronounced POH-kaymahn), is short for pocket demons. >>Baloo: No it isn't. It's short for Pocket Monsters The Devil loving phenomenon began in Japan over 20 years ago. A young boy summoned an evil demon to kill his entire family because they wouldn't buy him a stick of chewing gum at the supermarket. >>Kit:(old man voice) Must have Juicy Fruit! The demon came, and brought with it, other pokemons who jumped into the parents mouths while they were sleeping, and lodged themselves in their tracheas, suffocating an entire family, >>Kit: (coughs) Sorry had a Meowth in my throat. and setting the boy free to steal their money and buy gum. >>Rebecca:(kids show host) And the little boy lived happily ever after with his demons and his gum. >>Kit: (little kid) Wow what a great story! Thanks! "The whole idea behind Pokemon is to show a child that they can become a "powerful evil force, and they don't have to listen to their parents.'' >>Baloo: I don't remember that episode. Landover occult expert, Jonathan Edwards said. "Kids look for different Pokemon demons, find them and utilize their specific powers to create chaos in the home. It can be extremely violent, and the liberal media does not want anyone to know how many families have been torn apart since this menace began. >>Kit: Give me gum or I'm throw my GameBoy at your head! The ultimate goal for a child is to collect them, and once they've collected all of them, they can have anything they wish for. >>Kit: Really?? Wow! Where can I get some Pokemon? In most cases, the child wishes for complete control over his entire family. >>Baloo: These are the children who think way too small. The pokemons approach in the still of night, entering the parents mouths and lodging themselves in their tracheas until they suffocate. >>Rebecca: When did this happen? They then scurry off quietly and return to their masters bed. When authorities arrive, they are shocked to see no evidence of foul play. They observe only a smiling child, fast asleep, surrounded by stuffed animals and 'innocent little' Pokemons." >>Baloo: Sounds like a Bradbury story. >>Kit: (Krusty doll) Hi I'm Krusty the Clown and I'm going to kill you. Deacon Fred, one of 37 co-pastors of the 125,000-member, fundamentalist-baptist church, said that his "antenna went up" over a year ago. While driving with his kids, he heard them in the back seat talking about "Abra'' and "Cadabra,'' "A chill went down my spine, and a trickle of perspiration dribbled slowly down to the small of my back!" He pulled the car over, took the Pokemon action figures from his children, placed them on the road, got back into the car and backed over them "100 times, until there was nothing left but shards of plastic." The teary eyed children watched from the roadside. >>Rebecca: Twenty years from now, those children will need 24 hour psychatric care. >>Baloo: (little kid) Broken Abra, broken Abra. Why Daddy why? Pastor Deacon Fred said that he doesn't see why more unsaved folks don't see the Devil's hand in this. "Three of the Pokeman characters sprouts horns!" >>Kit: Well under that logic we should killing all the rhinos in the world. Another concern, he said, is that children exploring a Pokemon Web site can click to other games, including "Magic: the Gathering,'' a Satanic game similar to Dungeons and Dragons. >>Baloo: (nerdy kid) I wanna cast Magic Missle! >>Rebecca:(same) Why do you wanna cast Magic Missle? There's nothing to attack here! >>Baloo: (same) I'm attacking the darkness! "It's got fancy sugar coating on it, but, underneath, it's Hell's poison,'' Pastor Deacon Fred said. >>Kit: (Homer Simpson) Mmmmm...sugar-coated Hell's poison. Focus on the Family, the Colorado Springs-based Christian organization whose messages reach as many as 5 million people weekly via radio broadcasts, has researched Pokemon, said David Wright , project coordinator the Youth Culture Department. "What we found, is so horrifying, and so schocking, it would drive an unsaved person to the brink of insanity! >>Baloo: Look at the price of a stuffed Meowth! Do I look like I'm made of money? Godly Christians are the only ones who can see this Satanic attack, we don't expect sinners to understand our ongoing battle with principalities that are not of this world. >>Kit: (Wright) We don't expect you inferior little sinners to understand our complete lunacy. We do however, expect them to take us very seriously, >>Rebecca: I see great dissapointment in this man's future. and to submit to our (God's) authority in destroying these little beasts before they make junior Satanists out of every child on the planet!" >>Baloo: Uh-huh. >>Kit: Well what now? >>Rebecca:(looks at watch) Hey Pokemon is on! *exit theater* Disclaimers: TaleSpin is Disney's, MST3K is Best Brains, Pokemon is Nintendos, This post is ridiculous.